Tim Carey and Raymond Pettibon at the Limbo Twin Lounge (Kranepool Bar & Grille)!

“Hotel life is an affair of furtive encounters, tearful reconciliations and crossed destinies.” —The Management

This is where it all began.

Steak Tartare Night has become a popular Sunday feature at Hotel Kranepool’s food & drink annex. Restaurant personnel is happy to welcome both the living and the dead to their weekly gore-feast. Among recent VIP diners: character actor Tim Carey and artist Raymond Pettibon.

You are a fly on the wall! Or an indiscreet waitress.

Tim Carey: (burps) Oh man I love the crunch o’ raw meat. I think I musta been a hyena in a previous life. (to the waitress) Hey shweetheart, do ya think ya could bear to bring us a bigger bottle o’ Worcestershire sauce? Aw thanks. (takes a swig)

Raymond Pettibon: Adolf Hitler was a vegetarian. So was Charlie Manson. I asked the doctors do my heart operation with me standing on my feet, but they did me supine. I asked for a transplant, but they gave me a quadruple bypass. Too many burgers, I guess. 

Tim Carey: Hey if you don’t like burgers, go to Russia. Or wherever it is they send hippie freaks like you these days. Africa, probably. You’d be, let’s see, some kinda kudu, or a brooding lowland gorilla. The hyenas are all around you.

Raymond Pettibon: I’ve always labored under that premise. 

Tim Carey: Hey waitress. Waitress! (snaps his fingers) Now I know this is an unusual request...didja finish Charm School?...great. Go into the kitchen there, that’s right, and ask the cook if he’s got an elephant’s trunk. Gotta be from an AFRICAN elephant, got that? Tell him to stuff it. With shark eggs. You see, me and my friend here are African men, and this steak tartare, good as it is, is pretty pale fodder for us.

Raymond Pettibon: Stanley Kubrick’s movies haunt me. I feel like I’ve lived in all of them, except Barry Lyndon and Eyes Wide Shut. The one about the haunted hotel especially. In a way I feel responsible for Hotel Kranepool: this vision between alienation, hospitality and baseball. Being wounded in such a way that you’re unable to see. 

The Waitress

Tim Carey: That big ugly fly is snooping on us. God damn hairy insect looks like one of them luna moths, only black. (smashes it with his coffee cup) There. Now we got us some modern art, or luna moth tartare. (to the waitress) What’re you lookin’ at? Never seen a coupla artists talkin’ shit and smashin’ luna moths? Huh? HUH? 

(waitress leaves, in a hurry)

God damn snoopy waitress. (slams table with the palm of his hand)

Raymond Pettibon: Vera Nabokov wrote her husband’s stuff. I just know she did. I really thought I’d meet her here tonight. She was as beautiful as anyone gets. (NB: see HK 37, Luna(moth)cy) I’ve got a lot of respect for writers. Even the ones who don’t know anything about baseball. 

Waitress (approaches Carey with her orders notepad): May I please have your autograph, sir?

Tim Carey: Yeah sure sweetie. How ya spell your name? S-L-U-N-T? Cooool.

Tim Carey (1929-1994)

Raymond Pettibon (1957- )

***

Cento (e un) Kranepool!

I graditi ospiti italofoni e/o anglofili potranno, se lo desiderano, decifrare per conto loro quanto di sopra. I graditi ospiti anglofoni e/o italofili estimatori di collage digitali brut potranno, se lo desiderano, perlustrare quanto di sotto. Per festeggiare il centesimo episodio del Vs. settimanale illustrato in rete preferito, la Gestione di Hotel Kranepool è lieta di presentarVi una serie di immagini del designer Joe Courtney, con didascalie di vari impiegati del Vs. albergo metafisico di riferimento.

A volte mi domando se il Kranepool sia un albergo per uomini, o donne. L’illuminazione concilia le fantasticherie oniriche delle signore, mentre l’arredamento si conforma alle aspirazioni nichiliste dei signori.

—Griff Owlt, addetto alle pulizie

Hotel Kranepool è un albergo assolutamente privo di videosorveglianza. Lo asserisce un cartellino accanto alla Reception: Vietato videosorvegliare. La sicurezza proviene dal comportamento dello staff e dei graditi ospiti stessi.

—Mert Pinza, addetta alla sicurezza

Ospiti VIP sono sempre graditi, certo. Ma non di più degli ospiti anonimi e soprattutto discreti. E i prezzi delle Suite sono uguali per tutti.

—Magda Vrindavan, cassiera suprema

L’uniformità è la morte del mistero. Le Suite del Kranepool sono individuali perché anche i nostri graditi ospiti lo sono.

—Spiv Bollard, arredatore capo

I cocktail che serviamo al Kranepool Bar & Grille hanno un tasso alcolico ben superiore alla media. I graditi ospiti che si dilettano di chimica scopriranno che le nostre bevande hanno anche altissimi tassi di LSD e lacrime.

—Trautwig von Splowzika, mixologist e sommelier

Oscurità, melancolia e brividi vengono scacciati da una immaginaria colonna sonora di vibrafoni. Alcuni graditi ospiti se ne lamentano, altri apprezzano, altri ancora ne sono ignari.

—Sredni Vashtar, DJ e lustrascarpe

Qual’è la vera differenza tra un albergo e un mattatoio? Chi sa rispondere vince un tranquillo weekend in omaggio all’Hotel Kranepool!

—Mr X, manager